thought.

It kind of defeats the purpose to eat three packages of Christie Thinsations (100 calories a package!) at a time.

simple pleasures.

I'm home for the weekend. And it is good.

I realize that there is joy in the small things, and even though I knew that before, I'm starting to realize just how much I appreciate them. Here's a small list from the week past:

- sleeping in a warm queen sized bed with a fantastic mattress
- Tom Horton's coffee with a friend
- riding the bus from Ch'town to Truro, and having it only take 3.5 hours instead of six (no transfer in Moncton! Woohoo!)
- watching movies with Mom
- shopping with Mom
- talking with Mom (..I love my Mom, ok?)
- spontaneous dancing
- a clean kitchen
- warm clothing
- not having to pay to wash clothes
- listening to Christmas music two months early
- the smell of a crisp fall morning
- the smell of Mom baking cookies
- take out Chinese food
- being inspired by the actions of close friends

..and that's only from this week! Life really is a beautiful thing. Let's milk it, okay?

what do i want?

Please permit me to indulge in a completely selfish train of thought for the next few minutes.

I watched the movie Blue Crush last night. I absolutely love that movie.. and not for it's fantastic screen play, stellar acting, or celeb heavy cast - for in fact, it most definitely lacks all of those things. I love it because it is so far removed from the life I am living right now. I would love to drop everything and move to a shack on the beach in Hawaii, and surf all the time, and look tanned and buff like those girls. That's pretty much my dream. Unfortunately, I can't, because I am committed to finishing this degree by April 2009, and to be responsible and act grown up. I digress.

At one point in the movie, at the height (if this movie has a height) of this movie's intense dialogue, the main character is talking to her bf about her life. She's confused, and he's trying to help sort her out as best he knows how. So he asks her, "I mean, what do you want?" and she responds,

"What do I want? Oh my god.. I want Penny to quit smoking and to go to college. I want.. I want to be able to pay the phone, and the electricity and the rent all in the same month; I want a girl to be on the cover of surf magazine.. and that would be great if that girl were me, but any girl would do. And I want.. I mean I wish my mom would come home. And I really, really want to win Pipemasters tomorrow. That’s what I want."

If that doesn't make sense, you should probably invest two hours of your time and watch the movie. You'lll thank me.

I really feel, as selfish as the statement "I want" is, that unless you establish what you want in life, it's hard to be focused and strive towards a goal. I'm not sure how God's will for my life fits into this equation; I'm still working on that one. I've been thinking about what I want, and here's the list I've come up with:

- I want to finish this Honours degree with a research project that I am proud of, and that will advance chemistry research in some way, shape, or form.
- I want to work on my time management skills.. aka less procrastinating.
- I want to critically assess where and when I spend money, and figure out where I can save.. I am in university, after all!
- I want to improve my fitness level, stay healthy, get enough sleep to enjoy and get the most out of every day, and be proud of the body I have been given.
- I want to be an inspiration to those around me.
- and I want to go to Florida on spring break!

Yes, it is a selfish list, but I'm in a selfish time, and part of me thinks that's alright. I have this time now that I'm single, I don't have kids, I'm young, and it's socially acceptable for me to think only about myself right now. So be it!! Let's live this life!!

slow me down.

This song is the new release from a new young artist named Emmy Rossum. She played Christine Daae in the movie version of Phantom of the Opera a few years ago, and has a beautiful classical voice. Personally, I feel that this song does not do her voice justice, but in it's overproduced, Imogen Heap feel, I absolutely love it.

The lyrics in this song just get me.. I've been feeling this way recently, and I think that's why I like the song so much.. it's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of this world, and to forget my purpose in doing all that I'm doing. I hope and pray that I don't miss opportunities to love people becausse I'm facing the other way..



rushing and racing and running in circles
moving so fast I’m forgetting my purpose
blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
getting nowhere

my head and my heart are colliding chaotic
pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
try to appear like I’ve got it together
I’m falling apart

save me
somebody take my hand and lead me
slow me down
don’t let love pass me by
just show me how
cause I’m ready to fall

slow me down
don’t let me live a lie
before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

sometimes I fear that I might disappear
in the blur of fast forward I falter again
forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I’m getting nowhere

all that I’ve missed I see in the reflection
pass me while I wasn’t paying attention
tired of rushing, racing and running
I’m falling apart

tell me
oh won’t you take my hand and lead me
slow me down
don’t let love pass me by
just show me how
cause I’m ready to fall

slow me down
don’t let me live a lie
before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down
just show me
I need you to slow me down
slow me down
slow me down

the noise of the world is getting me caught up
chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
just need to breathe
somebody please
slow me down

uterus.

Fourteen Reasons to Love My Uterus:
An Ode to the Misunderstood and Underappreciated Female Organ.

1. You are small, but mighty.
2. You are an incubator for new life.
3. You are stubborn.
4. Once a month, I am reminded that I am unarguably and unchangeably (although I guess that’s debateable) female.
5. You make me appreciate my mother.
6. You allow me to be a mother.
7. Your kind have the ability to turn the most aggressive, steel-willed, icy-eyed business woman into a weepy, chocolately mess at least once a month.
8. Your kind carry within you strength that can transform even the smallest, most complacent woman into a screaming samurai warrior with the power of breaking bones and shattering many an eardrum.
9. Your kind have the power to topple the tallest, bravest men with one solid contraction.
10. Your kind have brought many a genius into the world: Einstein, Edison, Bach, Descartes…
11. …and also many a disaster: Stalin, Hitler, Bush, and Stronach.. but you, dear uteri, you don’t judge; you allow everyone a fair chance at life.
12. You are mysterious. Men will never understand your wily ways.
13. You are frightening. Men will never WANT to understand your wily ways.
14. You are inescapable, indescribable, kind of ugly, and downright confusing.

You are my uterus.

living every moment.

I love travelling.

That being said, I haven't been very far. I've travelled throughout Eastern Canada, and dipped into the melting pot that is the USA a few times. In terms of the World, however, I haven't seen very much.

Anyone that knows me knows that I would love to travel after I graduate. I feel that Asia is calling me; I feel drawn to the countries Indonesia, Thailand, and India. I have a desire to get to know the people, the culture, the religions, and the problems that people face there. I say it frequently.. come to think of it, so frequently that I must remember to thank my roommates for their never-ending patience.

That being said, I struggle with staying in the present, and living each moment today, instead of focusing on the future and plans that I have for further on in life. I realize that with planning for the future comes the danger of escaping the present, and I more than anything, I don't want that to happen. Who knows how much longer I have on this great earth? The last thing I want to do is miss out on the present because I'm stuck in the future!

While trying to stay in the present, one thing I've noticed lately is that the area I'm living in is not as ethnically stagnant as I had originally thought. I realized last night that I have been in contact with people from a variety of different countries lately, and that excites me, because that means I have an opportunity to learn about different countries and different cultures without having to leave this place. Don't get me wrong, I'm taking off once I'm done school, but for the moment, it's reassuring to know that I don't have to feel obligated to leave in order to be exposed to different cultures.

So, for the moment, I will focus on school, and learning what I can from the experiences that this place is providing me. Who knows what else it has to offer? I can't wait to discover it!

tattoos.

Lately I've been contemplating the art of tattooing.

Body art in general is something people do for a variety of reasons. Crying for attention, remembering someone or something, celebrating a milestone, enjoying the experience, attempting to make oneself more (or less) attractive, or simply wanting a piece of art permanently etched on oneself are all reasons that I've deduced that people get tattoos.

Since I hit junior high (when I realized that life wasn't as black-and-white as I had originally thought), I've wondered what it would be like to get a tattoo. I had a nightmare a year or so ago where I got a tattoo, and then realized after the fact that it wasn't something that I would ever want on my body forever (..ok, so it may not have been the scariest nightmare ever, but the feeling of panic has not escaped my mind). That's probably my biggest issue - not what people would think, or what it would look like when I age (everyone gets old and wrinkly, so what if I have a little ink on my skin).. more so, would I get sick of it? My attention span is that of a three-year-old, so I imagine that I would tire of it fairly quickly. I think that's why I gravitate towards piercings - still body art, just less permanent.

Miami Ink is a television show that (since I've been home and been blessed with the luxury we call cable) has been central in my increasing interest in this art. In addition to having a rather attractive incredibly talented cast (including Ami James, one of the owners, who is like an artistic, Israeli, more tattooed version of Vin Diesel) the show displays many different ideas and stories behind tattoos. While scanning through episodes on YouTube I found yet another reason why people get tattoos: as an evangelical tool. As bogus as that sounds, Pastor Cleetus (yup, that's actually his name) has a point. And apparently, he has a very cool church as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjF2B7q9RiQ&mode=related&search=

world refugee day.

It's World Refugee Day. Today's challenge: take 10 mins, search "refugees" on cbc.ca, and get informed.

I was perusing through cbc.ca today, and came across this news article: http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2007/06/19/iraq-orphans.html. I don't really have any words to describe how I feel about that.

Yesterday, one of my colleagues told me about this tv show he watched the other night: http://abc.go.com/primetime/exwivesclub/index.

How is it possible that both of these things occur in the same world?

I am ashamed to call myself a North American.

Yesterday I went for a run. I've had this mental block for a while now that there's no way my body is capable of running past a certain point. I blew past that (or trudged, depending on your view!) block yesterday, and 11 km later I realized I really have no idea what I'm capable of. I can't imagine what my body is capable of if I actually treated it with respect, and stopped eating junk food and started drinking water and getting 8 hours of sleep a night. Imagine the possibilities..

global citizen.

I'm becoming a global citizen. And it is painful.

I feel as though I'm in a season of awakening. I've begun to figure out who I am in the context of my family and friends, and this island environment that I've adopted as part of my own. I'm in this phase now where I'm beginning to discover who I am in the context of the world scheme. And boy, it is alarming.

I am part of one of the richest nations in the world. I am female, and I've completed 13 years of primary and secondary school, and I'm now entering my third year of post-secondary education.

In my lifetime, I have never, ever had to worry that I would be shot. Or step on a mine. Or that any member of my family would have to go to war.

I've never had to worry about what I say and who I say it to. I've never had to worry that I would get arrested or killed for talking about God or reading my Bible.

I have free health care.

I never have to worry about if I'm going to have enough to eat. I'm always warm enough. I'm always clothed.

I don't have to worry about clean water.

I. Don't. Have. To. Worry. About. Clean. Water.

In a world where 45% of children in South Asia suffer from malnutrition, the most taxing decisions I make on a daily basis are whether to have toast or cereal for breakfast, or whether that sweater will match these pants.

And it kills me that we North Americans attempt to “do our part” by fundraising, praying, fasting, lamenting, and meditating on the terrible status of the world. That’s not to say that those things don’t have value. But when we do those things, and then jump in our cars and drive back to our houses and our full cupboards and our telephone, electricity, cable, internet and credit card bills, and aren’t disturbed by all of those things, every single day, it means we didn’t really get it.

Unless we pick up and leave this country, there is no way we will ever know what it feels like to be without, to live in fear, to be uncomfortable as part of our daily lives. You can't pretend or empathize with that kind of suffering. We must be alright with the unbalance in this world, because we’re still here! We’re still driving our vehicles, wasting water, overeating, buying stuff, and turning a blind eye to the pain of the overwhelming majority of the world!

So. The next question I'm asking myself is .. where should I go?

incoherent ramblings

Organic Chemistry 242.. it shall be the exam that forever remains unnamed (after this post, of course). I fought valiantly, but realized yesterday morning that my training was grossly insufficient to battle such a formidable foe.

Note to self: TRY HARDER, SELF.

I am off to stuff as much inorganic chemistry in my head as possible.. and find out if it is possible to inject caffeine directly into my veins. I'm so hard.

If you show up on Friday and happen to view an inarticulate, incomprehensible new post on this site, do not worry. I am merely in the process of spontaneously combusting, and like Fawkes the phoenix, will arise from the ashes anew.

guitar

When I'm studying, I like to have music in the background. However, I find that when I have music with lyrics in it, I often get carried away with the words, and forget to concentrate on the notes in front of me.

Sometime in the fall of 2005, Andrew Smith came to Charlottetown Community Church to put on a show. It had a coffeeshop feel, with the couches in the Space pulled right up to the front, low lighting, and little white Christmas lights surrounding the stage. It was just Andrew up there, or I should say he and his guitar. He played like no one I've ever seen before.. it was like that guitar never left his side. I don't quite know how to describe it.. some musicians clearly own their instruments, and the instruments do what they tell them to, and they're very good at it, and everyone is happy. With Andrew, it was as if he was in conversation with his guitar - they were working together. He didn't strum the guitar, he plucked at the strings; no, plucked isn't quite right.. his fingers pranced along the strings, and sounds came out that I didn't even know an acoustic guitar could make.

As sorry a description as that was, I can assure you that the experience seeing him live was extraordinary, and at the end of the show I bought his self-titled cd for my roommate's birthday. I rediscovered it last night while studying, and found it most conducive to concentrating; he occassionally sings some lyrics, but for the most part it is instrumental.

For more info, and probably a better description of how he plays, check out:
http://www.sonicbids.com/epk/epk.asp?epk_id=21096.

quote

This one time, my professor from my Research course emails me. Which is normal, because she's really cool, and I like to pretend we're tight. Anyways. So she emailed me to ask if I would mind if she could quote a piece from one of my papers for her first year class next year. I says, "Mind! Are you kidding! Read the whole paper if your little heart desires!" ..except, that wasn't quite how I said it. So I thought to myself, does this make me a quoted author? And then I got really excited.. not bad for writing it at 2:30 in the morning.

I wrote the paper on the ethics of growth attenuation therapy (google it). Here's the piece that she wanted to quote:

"One can never completely separate individual beliefs and science. Everyone who is involved in science is a human being, and therefore each person comes with their pre-conceived ideas, religious backgrounds, and individual beliefs. Regardless of how objective one tries to be, there will always be bias present, simply due to the fact that science is carried out by humans, and ethics and ethical dilemmas are interwoven as part of our being (and gratefully so, as it prevents us from doing many things that had we not been born with this inherent sense of right and wrong, would be considered extraordinarily inhumane and unjust)."

Now, I'm no literary critic, so this could be a piece of crap, but I enjoyed writing it. I never realized before this year how much I love putting my thoughts in written form. I just finished writing an exam in Religious Studies, and I said things like "fiery cataclysmic imagery" (which I think is fairly brilliant, myself). Who knew writing could be so much fun?

lament

More than anything I want to walk downtown and go to a used book store, buy a book or two (specifically, Darwin's Origin of Species, and Robinson Crusoe) and hang out in a coffeeshop, or read on the library steps in the fantastic sunshiney weather..

That's all.

Instead, I am here in my apartment, lamenting that I can't do that because I should be studying, when instead I am procrastinating and watching youtube.

Oh the perils of being a university student.. disgusting, really, that we complain about it.. when approximately half of the population of the WORLD doesn't have access to clean drinking water..