tears in my glass.

I watched the sun set, with a glass of Pinot Grigio in hand, wearing naught but a white bikini, and listening to Meshell Ndegeocello, "Beautiful". Romantic as it was, it was not perfect - I'm nursing a sunburn from a day in the sun, and I still display the remains of a black eye obtained during my first attempt at surfing. However, it was an incredible few moments, and I reflected on my weekend, friendships, and plans for the future.

I spent this weekend visiting with two of the most incredible people I've ever known.. two great friends from high school that I admire, trust, and look up to. They decided on the spur of the moment to come and visit, and I accepted with open arms. We ate out, spent some time at the beach, played some games with friends, and had the opportunity to talk about lots of different issues.

Of the various topics we covered in our brief stint together were two topics I'd like to address: being single, and plans for the future.

All three of us are single, and happily so. Granted we all have our moments where it would be great to have someone, in general, we are all content with our lives. I realized in talking with them that it is much easier to live in the moment when you're not concerned about a significant other. Even in the most fabulous relationships, being in a relationship requires giving of oneself. It requires compromise, communication, unconditional love, trust, and sacrifice. These are excellent qualities to have and share, but not ones that I am willing to work on at this point in time.. at least not in the context of a romantic relationship. With others, sure. As a 21-year-old university student, I am content with saying that I am happy and fulfilled not being in a romantic relationship!

Secondly, all three of us are entering our 4th year of university, and with that comes the inevitable question - "What are you planning on doing after you graduate?" Not one single day goes by lately that I don't think about that question.

As innocent as this question may seem, it is a loaded question. With it comes judgment; there is a stigma attached to this question, that if I lack a plan, I am not driven, not capable of handling "real life", or not goal-oriented enough to survive in today's corporate society. Perhaps, I have self-imposed this stigma.. maybe, somewhere deep inside, I feel like a failure if I fail to move on to the next step of the expected path I am to follow.

That being said.. what is my expected path? In high school, it was easy - I was the good kid, the nerdy kid who always brought home As and aced everything. I didn't party, I went to church every Sunday, and I hung out with the "right" people.

At this point in my life, the majority of expectations on my life are imposed by two groups of people: professors (who, while wonderful and intelligent in their own right) who don't really know me.. and by myself.

As unsure as I am about what I would like to do academically and professionally, I know one thing for certain: I need to travel. It's not even a question any more. It's a need within me to get out, to learn about new cultures and to explore the unknown.

If I can shake this concept that I am a failure if I don't go to grad school, or start at a job right after graduation, if I can figure out a way to stand up tall and proud when people ask me what my plans are after graduation, and say, "I am traveling!" and be proud of my decision, then I will be on the right path. My path, the path that I, with my God-given brain and intelligence, have chosen. It's not a life plan.. that's ridiculous, I can't plan my life all in on go! I'm not "taking a year off" to travel, or to "find myself" - although I hope to engage in both of those things - I'm not imposing a time limit on this, because who's to say how long it will be?

"What do we do now?"

cascada!

Apparently Cascada is playing July 19th a mere 3.5 hours away from where I currently live.

I am SO THERE

marriage?

Marriage is overrated.

Wait, that sounded really jaded. What I meant to say, was that I'm not sure I want the traditional marriage ideal.. the whole engagement and wedding, with the rings, and the dress, and the cake, and church and reception..

Here's what I picture:
Replace the engagement ring and the huge wedding dress with a plane ticket and a sundress. Let's get the legal documents, so we're legally "married", and spend the pesos on a trip. The way I see it, if I'm going to commit to a long term relationship with someone, we're both going to know it, and if we're focused on the right things, so will everyone around us.. we don't need the rings and the ceremony to prove it. Those are just cultural.

That being said, I'm not sure my family would be very pleased with me. Where is the line between fulfilling familial obligations and loving your family, while foraging a path out on your own as an adult? At this point in my life, I'm pretty self-centered, and that is a line I keep tripping back and forth over.

All around me, people my age keep getting engaged. That is a scary thought.. I can't figure out what to wear tomorrow and what to do on the weekend, let alone commit to someone for the rest of my life.. I mean, I would love to meet someone to spend my life with, but (thankfully?) I'm not worried about that now..

..what am I going to wear tomorrow?

abuse of the apostrophe.

It has come to my attention as of late that there are quite a few people who are unaware of the proper use of an apostrophe. One only has to venture over to Wikipedia.org to discover that this online (granted, often poorly edited, but nevertheless ridiculously informative online encyclopedia) contains no less than 6,831 words on the history and proper usage of the apostrophe, and specifically 2,464 words on its usage in the English language. Twice in the last hour I have found two locations where it is most unacceptable (as if it is acceptable at all!) for an apostrophe to be abused: the first, on the slide show presentation of a noted researcher involved in the many phases of drug development; the second, on a website for a local coffee shop. While the second may appear to be more excusable than the first, in no case do I find it acceptable for anyone (particularly those whose first language is English!) to pervert the use of the apostrophe in such a fashion.

If thinking of apostrophes causes you to reminisce of ineffective English classes or angry red hen scratches on papers caused by frustrated teachers, first of all I say to you, hang your head in shame! No one is excusable from this heinous grammatical crime. Secondly, I recommend you do one of two things:
1. Consult an English textbook; they all have a section on grammar; or,
2. Head on over to Wikipedia and fill yourself in.

There is no excuse for ignorance. Get informed!

the apology

My apology is sorely inadequate
to account for the atrocity of my actions.
I'm stuck, complacent
and I don't understand how I can
keep pushing him away
and then come crawling back..
he takes me in his arms
each and every time

"I love you."

and I cry

for I do not
I cannot
fathom the depths of such a love..

lovable disasters

"Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again
Learn to fly so free.."


I had a good discussion with my roommate the other day (we have a lot of those!). I can't help but see that we, as human race, are a broken people.

I looked around my church the other day, and I felt full of emotion.. not sad, not happy.. enlightened, I guess. I felt that for the first time, I understood what it was like to live, to really be human. We're all broken, busted pieces of work. We're constantly striving and working and exhausting ourselves trying to appear put together, and, more often than not, we're able to keep the mask in place just long enough for everyone to think we're doing alright. But when we are able to let the mask slip, when we're able to be open with each other and say, "No, I'm not alright, I'm falling apart.." and that's okay.. that is a glorious thing. When we're not afraid to be real with each other.. when we are able to identify as a broken people, that's an incredible thing.

What's more wonderful is when we look around at each other, this mosaic of shattered pieces, and see each other working towards becoming whole again. I love progress.. I love being part of other people's lives, the exciting things, the dirty things, the joyous things, the messed up disaster things.. we are a community of disasters just trying to keep it together. I LOVE that!

I just looked up "disaster" in an online thesaurus.. and one of the definitions was "unholy mess". How appropriate..

what?

So apparently there's a former crystal meth user out there who'se suing her former drug dealer for damages. ..what?

"A Biggar woman who went into a coma after taking crystal meth is suing the drug dealer who allegedly sold her the drug."

(See http://www.cbc.ca/canada/saskatchewan/story/2005/10/26/meth-lawsuit051026.html for the rest of the story).

I understand that what happened to this woman was very serious. She went into a coma and almost died at age 19. Not ever having been addicted to drugs, I have no idea what she went through, nor do I ever have the desire to. Because of that reason, I'm unsure I have the ability to accurately comment on the situation.. but, of course I'm going to, because this wouldn't be much of a blog then, would it?

At what point do we have to make people accountable for their actions? A judge named Stephen Labow from Toronto interviewed about this story said, "My initial reaction is it seems ludicrous to me...What kind of court system are we going to have if suddenly there are hundreds of cases where people who are breaking the law are then asking for some kind of recompense, even though they've committed an offense they know is an offense?"

I agree with Judge Labow. This is a waste of time for lawyers and judges, and a waste of our tax dollars. Speaking of tax dollars, Ms. Bergen spent time in the hospital, a Canadian hospital, which meant that the rest of us Canadians were paying for her medical expenses as a result of her actions (I'm assuming she had some kind of medical insurance). I understand that there has to be some sort of forgiveness and mercy shown to drug addicts, because we're all a fallen people, but shouldn't she be grateful that there was a bed and a doctor available to look after her in her time of need, instead of seeking $50,000 in damages as a result of her own actions? This world just doesn't make any sense.

Any thoughts?